To Love Me Again

I used to be very independent.

I could go to Ayala by myself and window shop for hours and not get bored.

I could go to Oh George! and eat a whole large plate of carbonara all by myself and not feel awkward.

I could stroll around Colon all alone and not get scared.

I could travel to Mindanao and Visayas all alone, by ship, for 12 long hours, and still have the best time of my life.

I lived all alone in a rented room for years and I didn't feel lonely at all.

I made decisions all by myself, and I created a life that was so great that I couldn't wish for more.

I was so carefree and self-reliant, but where am I now?

I'm a clinically depressed young adult who cannot make a decision without asking my family or friends first. I'm too dependent on others that it scares me to be alone at home—so scared that I had to transfer to an apartment near my sister so that I couldn't be so alone.

I was too alone for the longest time that I suddenly realized that I needed to be surrounded by people. The epiphany struck a chord so strong that I snapped.

I changed, and I don't know why, and now I want to go back to my old self again: the me who was so independent, so self-reliant, and so confident.

This is life. Sometimes we're happy, that we could be our own island and be okay. But sometimes we need people in our lives—we need family, we need friends, and we need strangers in our own little bubble so that we can be whole and human. We need to strike a balance between being alone and being with people to be sane and balanced.

I want to be my own best friend again. I want to rediscover myself and see my own self-worth. At the same time, I want be with people—people who matter to me and people who make me feel good about myself.

I want to love myself again, and it begins with me.


Feeling out of sorts and depressed? You might need a little lovin'.


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