Title: By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead
Author: Julie Anne Peters
Genre: Young Adult / Juvenile Fiction
Rating: 5 out of 5
Warning: Spoiler alert

Review:

The title of the book speaks for itself: it is a story of a suicide.

This is a story about fifteen-year-old Daelyn Rice, a girl tormented from bullying virtually all the years of her life. Her failed suicide attempt rendered her mute and unable to eat solid food, and now, she is on 24-hour suicide watch. 

Despite the close guidance of her parents, she is determined to die successfully this time. She stumbled upon a suicide forum called through-the-light.com, which gives her open and honest guides on her options to go, a countdown of her "date of determination," and anonymity in posting in forums. In through-the-light, Daelyn finds solace in purging her painful past—of bullying and abuse that started at a very tender age.

Daelyn has 23 days to live—23 days to prepare for her suicide. As the days count down to her death, she meets a geeky and socially inept boy named Santana who, in spite of Daelyn's silence and social isolation, persists in befriending her. Santana and Daelyn eventually form a bond, and Santana reveals to Daelyn a secret that leads her to question her decision to take her own life.

By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead is a book that I recommend to everyone to raise awareness on mental health—whether you're struggling with suicidal thoughts or otherwise. The book covers a broad range of very sensitive and taboo topics, openly giving the grisly and provoking details about depression, bullying, and suicide.

Of all the books that I read about mental illness and suicide, this is the best I've come across to. It's a short read, only 200+ pages long, with handy information sheets about depression, bullying, and suicide at the last few pages.

Julie Anne Peters wrote a poignant tale of a deeply wounded girl, beautifully written in a prose that is easily understood—no frills and fancy words, just simple and downright honest about the thoughts of a person who is severely depressed and suicidal. 

From the very first chapter, you can feel Daelyn's despair, of how hopeless she is, that the only way out is for her to die. As the book progresses, you go deeper to her mind and be drawn to her dark past. Her desperation to die is somewhat brought to a lighter note by Santana's awkward social advances and his endearing humor and personality.

The ending brought a mix of emotions to me. As I flipped through the last page of the book, I was at peace, believing that Daelyn didn't commit suicide; rather, she chose to "kill" her past and be reborn to a new her. 

Spoiler Alert and Final Words

The narration of her last visit to through-the-light gave me the idea that her deleting the account was a sign of her coming at terms of her past, that it is where her date of determination ends. Her pondering of hoping for Santana to get a dog on his birthday gave me the impression that she went to his party, as opposed to her original plan of skipping school and going home to drown. Emily was also a vital character in the story, in that her friendship with Daelyn serves as a symbol of hope for both of them.

This is not so much as a "trigger book" for the suicidal, but a book that gives hope and a better perspective about life in spite of all the darkness. It does not promote suicide as well; rather, the thought-provoking questions from the book make you think twice about how you see life and death.

I love this book so much, I can read again and again. :) 

Title: The Bell Jar

Author: Sylvia Plath

Genre: Semi-autobiographical

Rating: 5 out of 5

Review:

Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar was one of the books that I read during my episodes of depression, and there is no other book that could depict just how vague, complicated, and difficult  mental illnesses are.

Esther Greenwood's decline to depression, and eventually suicide, speaks volumes about the complexity of the human psyche: that even the smallest and minute events can lead to the dwindling of one's self-worth and will to live, that no one can really pinpoint the one and true reason for someone's depression. I, for one, keep people's minds boggled why I have succumbed to depression: I have a wonderful family, I have a job, I have a blossoming love life, I have great friends, and I have a generally good life—but I am still depressed. So why? 

I don't know. And this is how Plath portrays Esther's story: the reader cannot fully understand the root of her depression, why she decided to die, and how she still fears that the "bell jar" of depression will cover up and invade her world again. 

Plath describes depression as a bell jar: it hovers over your head, covers you under its dome, and keeps you trapped in a prison of sadness, emptiness, and solitude. She clearly describes the pains of going through electric shock treatments for her illness, her attempts at ending her life, her constant inner battles, and her days in the asylum.

Plath's writing is spontaneous, one that really depicts just how unpredictable life is—that life is a series of events that one cannot expect to happen in spite of how much you plan it so. When you read The Bell Jar, you cannot guess what happens next, unlike most novels where each and every plot is carefully laid out to create a climax and a resolution. The Bell Jar parallels Plath's life and her personal experience on her treatment for depression, and this is where the true beauty of the book springs from: it is a story of a life.

It's been almost a month since I started my treatment for depression, and so far, I've been feeling a lot better. To help my treatment, I decided to create a Love Yourself Project, which aims to help the depressed and suicidal (like me; I need to help myself).

To start, I'm listing down 10 ways to love yourself. 

Loving yourself is, I believe, the most essential step in getting through depression because depressed people tend to not see their self-worth. I, for one, hated myself for just about everything, and now is the best time to finally get that off my system. It's Christmas; the greatest gift you can give to yourself is love.

Today marks the twenty-fourth year of my existence on Earth. Today, I'm a year older and a year wiser. Today, I learned a few things about life.

"What is depression like?" he whispered.

"It's like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing."

The death of Robin Williams was the long-overdue spur the world needed to understand depression better. Depression is a poorly understood condition—more often mistaken for something as normal as frustration and sadness. But depression is something else, something much deeper, much darker.
Then what is depression like?

It was a dark, gloomy Sunday, the sound of pelting raindrops on the roof echoed in the four walls of her room. Thunder. Lightning. The torrent of rain continued on as she lay awake in her bed.

She stared blankly at the canopy of her double-decked bed. Her mind wandered off to the events of the weeks past. Months. Years. She had always been the headstrong type, never the one to falter and break down when challenges arise. Luck always seems to be at her favor. But now, it seemed otherwise.

She thought back to the day she decided to leave. Many would think it unwise, unpractical, but for her, it was the best decision she has ever made, second to the time she decided to chase after her lifelong dream. Her dreams consumed her. She was determined to be the best that she can be. The passion and the determination were burning inside her for a while. For a while.